Let me be your river

Needing to vent is only natural. It's the norm. Human nature - before it all builds up and destroys the universe, all you hold dear. All I want to do is express my feelings – to flit and fly between points. Here and there, like the mess of emotions and information in my head. I have to get it all out.

Today I discovered a blog post which describes me perfectly and in minute detail. Well, not me exactly - but a mirror image of how I feel.

After a four month break from blogging (on my main beauty blog) - I still don't feel like I'm able to get back into my usual style of writing without injecting some melancholy in there somewhere and I feel physically unable to put meaningful words together on a page. It all seems to blur into one big black hole of uncertainty and confusion. Much like the rest of my life at the moment. All I want to do is sit and write post after post about bath bombs, make up, recipes for the perfect gingerbread or my usual monthly round up’s! It’s just not there, I can’t do it.

http://www.bloglovin.com/frame?post=606131887&frame_type=a&blog=2044602&link=aHR0cDovL3d3dy5mcm9tZ2Vtd2l0aGxvdmUuY29tLzIwMTIvMTEvdG8tbWFrZS1zZW5zZS1vZi1vbmVzZWxmLmh0bWw

Gemma’s words are beautiful, despite her feelings otherwise. Her words (such as the following) paint a picture of me exactly:

There are times where I switch off completely and go in to my own world, where I think nobody can help me or solve my problems. Then a dark, gloomy cloud stays over my head for a few days until I snap back out of it and see the sunshine again. The only person I really show and share these days with are Dey & now you guys.

I feel as if I haven't achieved enough, or I should of tried harder, made more of an effort with someone...with myself, been more thankful. But most of all I feel I should be more grateful for what I have, but instead I take it for granted. Many people in the world are happier with less than what I have, so why the gloom?

I spend my days off doing absolutely nothing productive, then promise myself that I will with the next one, just to repeat the same damn lazy process. Why am I stuck in a rut, why can't I get out of bed a seize the day, take myself off on a nice walk, take some pictures...do my huge pile of ironing?

When I see beautiful things, I’m momentarily taken back to my happy self. The person who appreciates every piece of beauty and togetherness in the world and truly finds the best in everything. I sometimes see owners walking their dogs early in the morning – the dog looks up at his owner in complete affection. Beautiful. Like there’s no one else in the world who matters but this man, walking him through the park with his coat on. The bond between a human and it’s pet, a pet and it’s owner – unbreakable and special beyond comprehension.

I have the honour of driving past a sunrise across the Wiltshire countryside every weekday morning. I might have to leave the house at 6.30 on a winter’s morning to find it, but it’s there, it’s red/purple/pink/orange/yellow/blue and it’s incredible. After the sunrise is over, I have the pleasure of driving through forest after forest, quaint village after quaint village and past memorable and historical places of interest – I feel that I need to appreciate it more – I feel huge amounts of love for the life I lead on some occasions. This doesn’t happen often enough. I need to know why.

Seeing a squirrel dash across the road along the suspended electrical lines and shooting up to his house in the oak tree. I love that little squirrel. Nature and industrialism merging into one. I couldn’t help but smile at the little squirrel.

I bought a notebook a few months ago. It’s blue leather, handmade and bound with red string. Perfect for me and exactly the book I’d like to hold my life stories and thoughts. I planned to write as often as I could and to buy a new one each year, after filling up the last. Eventually, I’d have a collection. But I’ve written one entry. Just one. Out of the 60 plus days I’ve had. Nothing. And what I have written is trivial, not my true thoughts, just in case anybody finds it, discovers it, reads it without my approval and total control. I need to stop fretting. I need to let myself out and I need my true personality to shine through. If only I could find the words.

Loneliness

Lonely - that's the main emotion today

Dread

I could barely bring myself to get out of bed this morning - today is going to be tough!

Wish I could just stay there for a few more hours!

Its clinical

I write this after a tough day.

A tough week.

A tough few weeks actually.

Typing this may make me teary, I need to get it out and accept it. Acceptance and recognition is the hardest part right?

I feel I may have depression.

So many people raise an eyebrow when the subject of depression is raised - mental health in general is such a taboo subject, but why?

People with depression are still normal people, they're not "constantly miserable" like many people think!

I'll be going to the Dr's just as soon as I pluck up the courage - admitting defeat and asking for help is a big step for me.

I've had an overwhelming sense of sadness for the last two days, today especially and I feel like I'm drowning.

It's been ongoing for a long long time and now I feel I can't cope!

My grandad is terribly ill, it's A case of making the most of the time we have with him now. I've never lost a grandparent before.

I feel like a failure at work, I can't seem to do it, my brain isn't good enough - the maths I've had to try and get my head around today is simple - or at least it should be? What's wrong with me?

It's starting to affect my relationship - he's the most incredible man on the planet an he deserves better!

Anyway, I realise this post has no flow, it's all over the place - a bit like me really!

Maybe the Dr can recommend some exercises that'll help or something?

Vent

Today is a strange day, I feel weird. 

I looked in the mirror this morning and hated what I saw, as usual... but something was different. Usually I can make myself look at least a little bit presentable, but not today. No matter how much make-up I used I couldn't cover this ugly face. I couldn't cover those posts, those dark circles, those imperfections. I don't know what else to do. 

I feel fat. Beyond fat. Nothing fits. I changed 3 times and still hated what I saw. 

When will this end? 

I know it's all me. I know that my weight is all down to me and that I am the only one who can do anything about it. So why can't I stir up that will power and bloody diet properly? Why do I seem to go back to the crappy food EVERY SINGLE TIME? I don't get it. I know that I won't be doing myself any good when I eat it, I know that I'm not making myself loose any weight, yet I still eat nothing but rubbish. 

It's weird, I hate my body enough to have every kind of plastic surgery under the sun, yet I can't find the hate inside me to just eat properly? I blame it on expense, that I can't afford all of those vegetables etc. but that's just an excuse. Why don't I go out for a walk each evening? Instead I lie on the sofa being miserable, wishing it would all just magically disappear. 

Why can't I make myself happy? Nothing is wrong in my life... apart from the fact that I'm obese and that I have no money... other than that everything is peachy, or so it should be? There are millions of people who are worse of than me - why can't I just sort myself out? 

Is this depression?

I needed to vent - I can't speak about this with anyone!

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if they actually care, if they're actually bothered about what I think. Do I really annoy them like I think I do? Do they actually like me? 

This sounds ridiculous, I know... I'm well aware of how insecure this makes me seem. Unfortunately these are questions which pass through my mind regularly. These thoughts aren't helped by the constant headache I have, especially today -- the person I sit next to at work has the loudest voice in history and seems to shout even when he's trying not to. Not sure how that works, but it's making my achy head a million times worse! 

My wonderment's, are stupid... honestly, I know they are. I just feel so lonely, ever so lonely! 

Don't get me wrong, I have people around me, a fantastic boyfriend and I do have friends..

The only problem is, my friends only speak to me when I contact them... it never seems to be the other way round, which is where the question: "Do they actually like me", came from. It makes sense noh? 

I feel like a bit of a spare part, like I'm in the way and it's almost a chore that they have to come and see me. Just because I've moved a 15 minute drive down the road, it suddenly means that they don't ever invite me to events, I hear about "Drinks with the girls" or "BBQ's with the gang" on FaceBook, and wonder what I could have possibly done to warrant being ignored. 

 

I know, I know, you're probably thinking "well, if you weren't such a miserable, moany cow... " - the thing is, I have a pretty good wall, through which -- none of these feelings can be seen. I tend to put up a pretty darn good front and remain happy and bouncy and my "usual" self around everybody. That's the reason I had to start this blog, to keep the negativeness away from my main blog -- the one which revolves around beauty routines, food and anything else which I think people in that type of community might like to read.

It's also here to act as a diary, a journal, whatever you want to call it. I'd rather type than write pages and pages out in a notepad (as I've mentioned before). I also don't trust that the diary wouldn't be found and read by my friends...

This is so stupid! I think I'll get back to work and try to ignore the humongous pain in my forehead... it's right above the eyebrows, my frowning doesn't seem to be helping it either haha! Hopefully the above vent will help me feel better for today. Maybe not though... 

Thanks for listening

"Anonymous" A.K.A: Katie Starling

I've started this blog...

To share my problems, the ones that I can't seem to share with anybody else...

I'm not sure why, I feel lonely... 

People will think I'm being silly, that "she has everything, why is she moaning?". But that's just it, I'm not sure what I'm feeling and I needed some kind of outlet so that it doesn't start to affect my daily goings on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a normal girl. I'm sure normal girls feel like this often, I'm not bipolar or anything close. I just need a space for me to write my thoughts.

I hate faffing with pens, although my handwriting is good, it gets tedious after a while. I prefer to type.

I don't really have the time to write my full story this evening -- trust me, it's looonnnngggggg and I'm sure everyone with find it totally boring. But I will -- I'll explain soon. 

Welcome to "My Dear Diary Writes", let's get this journey started!