Tuesday, 17 May 2011


Today is a strange day, I feel weird. 

I looked in the mirror this morning and hated what I saw, as usual... but something was different. Usually I can make myself look at least a little bit presentable, but not today. No matter how much make-up I used I couldn't cover this ugly face. I couldn't cover those posts, those dark circles, those imperfections. I don't know what else to do. 

I feel fat. Beyond fat. Nothing fits. I changed 3 times and still hated what I saw. 

When will this end? 

I know it's all me. I know that my weight is all down to me and that I am the only one who can do anything about it. So why can't I stir up that will power and bloody diet properly? Why do I seem to go back to the crappy food EVERY SINGLE TIME? I don't get it. I know that I won't be doing myself any good when I eat it, I know that I'm not making myself loose any weight, yet I still eat nothing but rubbish. 

It's weird, I hate my body enough to have every kind of plastic surgery under the sun, yet I can't find the hate inside me to just eat properly? I blame it on expense, that I can't afford all of those vegetables etc. but that's just an excuse. Why don't I go out for a walk each evening? Instead I lie on the sofa being miserable, wishing it would all just magically disappear. 

Why can't I make myself happy? Nothing is wrong in my life... apart from the fact that I'm obese and that I have no money... other than that everything is peachy, or so it should be? There are millions of people who are worse of than me - why can't I just sort myself out? 

Is this depression?

I needed to vent - I can't speak about this with anyone!